Separating Style and Shame

How to make style FUN, instead of a vehicle for self-loathing and guilt.

I should know how to do this.

Why does everyone else look [aspirational adjective] and I don’t?

My body is too big for stylish clothes.

Even if I could afford it, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

As millennials, we’ve always been fed our style with a side of shame. Magazines in the 90s paired runway coverage with ways to slim your thighs. They basically all had some version of: Here are the new styles AND all the ways you’re not good enough for them!!!

And we internalized that combo, BIG TIME. It’s hard to think about one without the other. It’s like toxic peanut butter and jelly.

What started as a fun shopping trip ended as a body shame spiral. Getting ready to go to a party but instead of mixing drinks in a Solo cup you’re crying into a pile of clothes. I’ve been there. I know you have too.

But that doesn’t mean it has to be this way forever. As women, we’re really good at normalizing pain. We’re pros at saying “it is what it is” and dealing with it. While that can be useful in situations where there is no other option, like capitalism and childbirth, there are times when grinning and bearing it is making our lives worse. Situations where we accept something difficult as permanent when it doesn’t have to be. And girls, this is a big one.

It’s time for style and shame to get divorced. They were never good for each other and everyone is getting hurt while they stay together for the kids or whatever.

Take your shame about your body, your self-worth, your finances and what you “should be able to do by now” out of your closet and into your therapist’s office (or SimplePractice, IYKYK).

Imagine a world where getting dressed can be at worst, easy and at best, FUN!

Where style is a form of play, self-expression, dare I say…self-care.

This world is available to you.

Not in a woo-woo way. It can be your day-to-day experience. And sooner than you think!

Here’s how to do it.

THE HARD (BUT WORTH IT) STUFF

Get a good therapist.

As the daughter of a therapist I am biased, but I believe that therapy is the best way to understand and unwind your trauma, break the bad thought patterns you’re stuck in, discover who you really are and find a path to living a life that will make your truest self happy.

Understand that sizes are fake.

I’ve already written a whole post on this but here’s the TL;DR.

Toxic diet culture taught us that the smaller we are, the better we are. So many of us got attached to being/aspiring to be a certain size. Intellectually, you know that your worth as a human being is not related to the amount of fabric needed to adequately cover your body. And it’s hard to not feel feelings when you’re in a size that the diet culture part of your brain deems too big. Both can be true.

Luckily, there’s a hack to getting out.

Clothing sizing has become more inconsistent than ever due to the globalization of manufacturing.

The bad news is that shopping is harder than ever. (Order/try on multiple sizes and this gets way easier!)

The good news is that you can let go of your attachment to “your size” because it doesn’t exist anymore. Even if you don’t change, the size you wear from brand to brand will, so it’s impossible to maintain one size. The size that fits is your size in that garment. And it means nothing.

We’ll take the wins where we can. Savor that freedom.

Stop caring what they think!

When you dress for other people’s approval, you’re not using style to express yourself, you’re using it to fit in. This means your style is going to be BORING. When you want to look like everyone else, you will never look like yourself.

To break this pattern, you have to stop caring about what others will think. You will likely repel some people and that’s ok. Do you want people in your life who only like You Light but not You Classic? I didn’t think so.

Once you do that with your style, it happens with the rest of your life too. And there is nothing more joyful than the freedom of being your truest, most YOU version of yourself.

Baby, you WEREN’T born this way.

As women we’re socialized to think we should just be good at clothing, hair, makeup, cleaning, organizing and cooking. (Don’t get me started on mothering.) And when we don’t live up to that standard, we feel like failures.

Regardless of what the patriarchy wants you to believe, you were not born with this knowledge. Notice how these are the exact things that people outsource when they can afford to?

Of the things on that list, I’m good at clothing and organizing. I’ve put in my 10 thousand hours reading fashion magazines, touching things in stores, working in stores, studying fashion merchandising in college, styling myself and other women. As a kid I would reorganize my room for fun instead of playing outside. I’m good at those things because I love them and have spent years of my life working on them.

It’s perfectly fine to not innately know how to put outfits together if that’s not your thing. So stop beating up on yourself if that’s you.

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OK NOW THE FUN PART!

Get Inspired

If you treat your style as an obligation, it will feel like one.

If you treat your style as a creative project, it will feel like one.

I talk more about my process here but what really matters is that you start. Watch old movies, go to an art museum, sit on a park bench and people watch, yes you can even scroll on Reels or TikTok.

The most important thing is to train your eye to always be seeking inspiration. Once you are automatically doing this, the world will light you up and ideas will pour out of you.

That vase on your mom’s dining table? Inspiration for a silhouette you’d never thought about before. The fancy dessert you ordered? You have a top in that pink and pants in that brown, and you’re going to wear them together.

This is also just a really fun way to live.

Try Everything.

When you’re not feeling creative but want to wear something fresh, pick an anchor top or bottom. Then go through your closet and try on every option (tops if you picked bottom and vice versa). Just go through the rack, one after another until you find what feels right. Don’t skip anything. This opens you up to possibilities that your practical brain would say no to. A pleated skirt with a torn sweatshirt sounds stupid in theory but maybe it’s the perfect combo!

There may be combinations that you’re not sure about because they’re unfamiliar. Take a beat with those and examine if you need to get used to something new or if it’s really not for you.

The more unique combinations you see, the easier it is for you to come up with new ones on your own because you’re expanding your understanding of what works.

Also remember that you can go to a store and try on 30 items and leave with nothing. (Ofc be super nice to the staff and hang everything back up. Retail employees have very hard jobs!) Trying on new styles, colors, shapes, fabrics will expand your understanding of the possibilities for your style.

Even if you think something is not for you, try it to confirm. You might be right, you might be wrong, either way it’s helpful information. Your tastes also change slowly over time so what was once true may no longer be.

Sidebar - I despise olives but once a year I try one to make sure that’s still true. The last one I had was 3% less revolting than previous ones. Maybe in 10 years I’ll be guzzling dirty martinis. You’ll never know if you don’t try.

Listen to Your Body

Your body knows before your brain does if you like something. When you put something on, notice how you physically feel in it. Do you feel energized, taller, lighter? That’s a full body yes. Do you feel awkward, itchy, are you hunching over? That’s a full body no.

When I’m in dressing rooms with clients, I can always tell if they like something just by their body language. And I can usually tell before they even know.

When you try something new, take a few seconds to notice how your body feels in addition to taking in what you see in the mirror. The combination of the two is the right answer. Look great but feel weird? That’s your body’s way of telling you this isn’t the real you. Feel amazing but look bad? It’s not that you look bad, it’s that you look different. Over time, this will become your favorite outfit.

If this feels too woo woo for you, give it a try and you’ll be amazed at how well it works.

Once you separate shame from style, you will wonder how you ever lived with them as a unit. Just because you can tolerate something, doesn’t mean you should.

You have one wild and precious life, don’t spend it shame spiraling yourself into boring clothes.

If you try this out, tell me how it feels! Show me your new outfits! I want to hear about it! Reply to this email or DM me.

And if you need help, let’s do it together.