How to make A BIG Purchase

So you don't end up hating yourself or worse, not wearing it.

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Making A Big Purchase is exciting, glamorous and powerful.

The path to that purchase can be scary, overwhelming, anxiety-provoking and riddled with over-thinking.

If you’ve ever stared at the same 7 tabs for hours, stuck in indecision, you know what I’m talking about.

Spending a lot of money (whatever amount that means for you) on something you don’t need makes your lizard brain panic.

What do you mean you’re using our precious resources on something frivolous instead of shelter and food?!

Making A Big Purchase forces you to examine your feelings about money and identity.

Not only are you giving up the money to own the item, you’re also committing to what that item says about you. You’re not just the owner of a Burberry trench coat, you have become a Burberry Trench Coat Girl, and are taking on everything that comes with. Same goes for a Cartier Love Bracelet, YSL Loulou bag, Chanel ballet flats, etc.

I thought about buying a Balenciaga City Bag for 3 years before I actually did. As my salary went from $17/hour (Conde Nast entry-level jobs were temp-to-perm then!) to $38,500 to $60k; it started to feel like a real possibility. Also, the more time I spent at Conde Nast, the clearer it became that an essential part of being a Successful New York Woman was owning a designer bag.

So when the day came, I got dressed up, went to Barneys (RIP), slapped my entry-level credit card down and bought the most expensive thing I’d ever bought in my life. It was $400 more than my rent at the time. I was so proud, excited…and terrified. For a full week after, it laid on the tissue paper it came in, on my kitchen counter. I was in disbelief that I had bought it and that it now had to come in contact with the real, dirty, outside world.

Once I bought the bag, I got all the validation I didn’t realize I desperately wanted. My team had the perfect combination of approval and jealousy. The women more senior to me gave nods and smiles that signified “you’re on your way to being like us.” My world outside Conde was a little different. Those reactions were a combination of surprise, confusion and envy. That actually made me feel even cooler. While I have certainly matured since then, it was everything I wanted and needed at the time.

14 years later, it is an integral part of my personal style. I’ve worn it nonstop even as it’s gone in and out of the fashion cycle. We’ve been through 3 moves, countless jobs, dozens of trips together, but she’s only touched the ground twice.

While I don’t feel compelled to spend that much on a bag any time soon, I am really happy I did. Maybe my nieces will fight over it after I die.

If you’re thinking about making A Big Purchase, in your 30s, 40s or beyond, I want you to be wiser with your money, time and emotional energy, than I was at 25.

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The Wrong Reasons To Make A Big Purchase

Belonging. When we investigate their desires for status objects, my clients often say something like “because all the other moms have it” or “because all the women in my office have one” as a reason they want a certain item or type of item. That is always an indicator to me that it’s not something they actually want. What they really want is to feel a sense of belonging. Having the same logo-bag or beat up sneaker as everyone else in the group feels like an easy way to do that. When you buy the item to feel like you belong, you actually get a little further away, because you’re skipping the emotional connection. Having the status object makes you feel like you don’t have to try as hard to belong. So now, you’ve spent money on something you don’t love and you’re probably even less connected than before.

Validation. This is what I did. I bought a bag to prove to myself and the world that I’d made it. I moved to New York and became a Successful New York Woman with a cool media job (that was mostly spreadsheets but was in the same building as the cool stuff!!!).

It can feel good to wealth signal, and in some instances, it might even make your life easier. I purposefully wear at least one obvious designer item when I take my clients shopping, because store associates take me more seriously. This, unfortunately, is the world we live in. And hey, if you have it, use it to your advantage. But that is not a reason to buy it in the first place.

If your actual motivation for wanting something is only to prove your wealth and success, it’s not about the item itself. If that’s you, put down your credit card and pick up your remote. Go watch Your Friends & Neighbors if you want to see the consequences of this when taken too far.

Money. If you actually can’t afford it, do not buy it. No luxury item is worth putting yourself at a financial risk. No matter how beautiful.

The Wrong Reasons NOT To Make A Big Purchase

Worthiness. You don’t think you deserve it. You think you should spend the money on your kids, your investment account, paint the living room or something else that’s more practical, noble even. This feeling goes far beyond this purchase. If you’re feeling it here you probably feel it when asked if you’d like guac for $3 extra, or when choosing between Economy and Economy Plus. Of course, always choosing the more expensive option isn’t a winning strategy, but never choosing it? That’s not the way to go either. You have one wild and precious life! Buy the things that bring you joy and comfort (as your budget permits).

Fear of Judgement. I mostly hear this from women who have more money than those around them. Women who are doing better financially than their family of origin and women who work in low-paying fields but have another source of income (side hustle, family, etc). They are often self-conscious of how others will judge them for an item they fear to be flashy, showy, too much. This can be hard to get over but I assure you that the imaginary conversation happening in your head, is not going to play out like that. Most of the time, it doesn’t actually happen at all. And when it does, it says more about the person saying it than the person wearing it. Unless you’re a dick about being rich. In that case, it says everything about you and you deserve it.

THE Reason To Make A Big Purchase

You, really, genuinely, want to. You love the item, you know you’ll wear it and what other people think is irrelevant to your decision.

What To Consider When You’re Ready to A Big Purchase

Cost per Wear. This is important when making any purchase, but it’s more important the more you spend. Cost per wear helps you see if you’re getting value out of a purchase. For the uninitiated, it’s exactly what it sounds like.

For example, my Balenciaga City Bag:

I’d estimate I wear it on average 50 times/year. At a price of $2,100, over 14 years, that comes out to $3.

Simple math! $2,100 / (50*14) = $3

The good news is that every time I wear it, that number goes down.

So when you’re thinking about the Big Purchase, try to imagine, realistically, how much you’ll wear it.

Cost per wear is why it’s common for investment purchases to be things like shoes, bags, coats, jewelry. You will wear them much more often than you would a top, a skirt or even jeans.

Your Taste, Not Theirs. Once you see an item enough times, it’s easy to confuse the need for belonging and/or validation, aka style FOMO, with your own desire. If you find yourself coveting a specific status item, I’d encourage you to do some moodboarding on the category in general, trying not to think about that item. Let your imagination run wild and see what colors, shapes, materials/fabrics you are drawn to. Do not search for designer names. Once you’ve gotten a bunch of images you feel excited about, look at them and see what the commonalities are. Maybe you’re more of a slouchy bag girl after all and you didn’t really mean it when you said you wanted a Gucci Jackie.

With this taste, if you’re going to go Gucci, go Mercato

Life Test It. If you’re going to be wearing this thing on a weekly or even daily basis, it has to work for your lifestyle. At an absolute minimum, do an in-store test.

For shoes, bring the right socks and wear a bottom you’d wear them with. Do a lot of laps around the store to make sure they feel right. Do some stairs if you can.

For a coat, bring the types of layers you’d wear under it to test how it fits and feels with and without them.

For a bag, bring the things you’ll keep in it to make sure they fit comfortably. Wear it around the store to test how the strap hangs on your body. Try to get things in and out of it one handed while walking.

Yes, I am telling you to do all of these things in a store in front of other people. No, it won’t be embarrassing. Every time I do this with clients, or for myself, sales people nod at me approvingly.

If you want a more thorough life test, do a trial run. Buy a cheaper version of the same thing or borrow from a friend. See how often you reach for it, how it feels to wear it both comfort-wise and style-wise.

If you can’t do this or the cheap one doesn’t suffice, just keep a list of every time you would have worn it in a month or two time period (appropriate to the weather it’s for ofc). That’ll help you see how it fits into your lifestyle AND give you a sense of cost per wear.

Now that you know how to make a big purchase, what are you going to consider?? Tell me in the comments.

And just for fun, here are some expensive things I ultimately didn’t buy because of this method.

But if the right sale happens…the calculus changes